| Marriage... God Damn I hate you |
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| 12:16pm 25/05/2008 |
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mood:  lonely
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Tis the season of marriage I suppose. about 50 percent I know or am acquainted with are marrying. Every few years this seems to be the norm. This usually does not bother me but, today this very day it does. No, I don't particularly want to get married, but when you see everyone else getting hitched you think to yourself...
What in god's name is wrong with me? No one wants to marry me?
Mind you I do not mind being single. Hell I think I'm far too strange and set in my ways to really be stuck with someone too long. Hell, to be honest the most enjoyable relationship I've had was a casual one that ended within a month..
But it would be nice to think someone would want to spend a good portion of their life around you...
Bah! I'm yet another stupid girl I tried so hard not to be.
It was never my dream to marry. It was always my dream to spend a life with someone I loved being with. |
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3 innocent girls lost - Follow the wolf.
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| 05:28pm 04/03/2008 |
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mood:  scared
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Well as for the resolution I made long long ago... I'm fairly proud. I think I succeeded in about half of them. And a few of then I'm in process of completing
*pauses to continue the noise fight with neighbor*
As I was saying I'm okay I assume...
I have had some low points.. I celebrated Valentines Day in a car shop replacing breaks but shit does indeed happen
Apparently I gave blow jobs this year like candy... all from casual male friend I knew...
Except that one... which I promptly kicked out of the house and a day later politely told him never to call again...
The other two
Disappeared because although sweet Was a flake.... and looked to be about 16... I carded him. 22.
The other... I still talk to but alas ... never blow an already committed male. It never works.
Why am I typing all this? Because it has still been over a year since I actually had sex.. It's not like that option wasn't available when I was.. performing my oral duty. I just freaked out. I couldn't... so the blow job was a consolation prize.
Now After sheer chance and luck I have found a man that mentally stimulates me more than I have been before. We're on Par with each other on philosophy, The nature of the human mind, and internet memes, His view on the world and passion to change it is still shiney and new. Mines a tad bit more bleak and serious.
Though I still have more faith in humanity than he.
His politics are a little stronger than mine so I will have to exercise that part to get him on a debate of that nature. I need to reread 1984 again. Shh.. don't tell him I barely remember the book.
Our views of marriage and sex are surprisingly similar.. oddly enough. Though I have had more exploration while he has had more partners. And yes, We have not done anything as of yet.
So I like this guy. He's intelligent, he accept my ...peculiarities, my Hang ups. We share awesome drunk/high stories together. He adores the fact that I love video games but am not an fangirl about it and that I still dabble making the bes webcomic alive. And I love hearing his crazy ideas.
The most frightening part of all is I know alot of his female friends would love to jump in bed with him. They are nice looking mind you, but he would rather have a geek discussion with me.
So if there is a god... is he laughing at me when I decided to make my cut off age 20 and then shove a 19 year old in my face?
Granted when I am with him I see him as a peer, but when I'm away the Harry potter theory does run through my head. When I was old enough to buy cigarettes and porn... this guy was 11. This is the same age as when the kid in the first Harry Potter movie was out.
I'm Dating Harry Potter.
Oh Lord....
At least he's legal right?
And seriously... I'm not the only girl geek here.
Why does this guy like me?
Honestly... I'm frightened, I'm scared to death. I think Jason fucked up my head more than I realized.
But despite all that; He's worth a shot.
Who would have thought I would have a fucking love life? |
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4 innocent girls lost - Follow the wolf.
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| What is wrong with my brain. |
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| 09:31am 02/01/2007 |
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mood:  amused
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When Trying to explain to your mothers the odd fanincation the certain men have over Fantasy Football... Why on earth do I call it Final Fantasy Football.
That Just flooded my brain with and array of bad... yet all to hilarious images, Particularly a moogle dawning and oversized footcall helmet. Possibly... and future project... dear god... if I actually LEARN the rule to Fantasy Football and how to intrigrate previous final Fantasy games to it...Would they play it?
Hmmmm...
Maybe oneday if I have the time and help.
Would Kindom Hearts have to be Included? |
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3 innocent girls lost - Follow the wolf.
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| New Year's Resolutions....2007 |
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| 03:37pm 31/12/2006 |
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mood:  contemplative
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I figured it would be a good idea to set up a reasonable list of resolutions for the new year coming up... and to fulfill at least three... if I do fail in that then I will figure out a suitable "punishment" that I will make myself do for failing.
I'm thinking that I will set aside 5 dollars a week in a safe place... and at the end of the year I will use it to buy something I want. If not I will simply donoate it to a charity. My loss is someone else's gain. In fact that sounds like a good idea!
Now onto resolutions... Since I am thinking these up as a go along... I think I will at least wait until the ened of January for my dead line on my list of resolutions. Hopefully I will get this started.
I will NOT say anything bad about myself...Merely suggest ways to improve myself.
I WILL start up my Clockwork Soul online comic. It does not have to be updated reguarly but at least get something up.
I will worry only about myself this year and me alone. There is no worrying so much about others that I lose myself and end up making the situation worse. The ONLY exceptions is medical emergencies of close friends and family only.
I will try to improve my health. Seeing a medcial professional for a general exam is a must.
I will loose weight. Goal set to at least 30lbs.
I will go on a date at least once this year.. serious or not...I should be good enough to people to at least go out on one date.
I will set and complete THREE projects pertaining to my multimedia field
I will honor all previous promises I made to other on deviantart
I will complete school.
I will get drunk and have fun just for me.
I WIll try to get a newer wardrobe...at least three new outfits.
I will strike up a conversation with an attractive male at least more than once. To hell with how I look or act.
I will do what what I feel like doing in the moment... to hell what others think.
I will finally embrace my personality instead of Shun it. I'm an oddity and need to accept it. At 25 I'm not really changing it.
I will be more organized.... to my own standards
I will find a better job.
Hmmm I still need to think about other rasolutions... if I get enough I may need to set the goal higher. |
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Follow the wolf.
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| God I'm so sorry... |
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| 02:21am 31/12/2006 |
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mood: amused
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This cracked me up for the last one onthe end
On the twelfth day of Christmas,  spatula_girl sent to me... Twelve slurpees nothing Eleven stickers sleeping Ten collars a-drawing Nine carrots dancing Eight typos a-flying Seven cats a-screaming Six muses everything Five clo-o-o-ockwork candles Four video games Three crazy ideas Two insane ideas ...and an innocence in an angel sanctuary. |
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1 innocent girl lost - Follow the wolf.
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| 07:28pm 27/10/2006 |
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mood:  bitchy music: Bolero- Moulin Rouge
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Alas I have been Neglecting thee. Well update on my life...
Very very hectic.... as it seems to be latey.
but Woot! I actually got invited to a Halloween party!! Anf I met new actually decent neighbors from up stairs
Speaking of that I should say how we met...
they flooded my bathroom trying to unclog their pipe.... that's what you get for being a basement troll
They apologized for what happened when Me and my rooomie came up to see what the fuck just happened. And they turned out to be pretty neat!
I just have a bit of a problem... Even though we are becoming fat friends... I still feel outcasted... I realy hate how I have turned out in this area... my brain knows better but I still feel... outcasted... as always..
Other life news. My Manager is resigning.. for good reason but.... there is a new mamanger they are training I'll call "crater faced Bitch" here.
I worked with her for five minutes and I really had to ask someone "Whos cock did she suck to get this job?"
She like to boss around... that is if she can actually not be out smoking for a 5 minute period and she does only one thing... cut pizzas and terribly at that.
I'm hating the corporate bullshit of not actually telling us she she is replacing the the original manager with her so you know what... I quit. PLain and simple. Whether it Two weeks from finding another job or the dat crater face bitch makes it official she works there.
I'm not having her shit... By the way... I really really reallly feel like I may be quitting tonight... She's working friday night.. HA! And trust me... if she even think about plnating her ugly ass of cuttable friday night I WILLL cuss her fat face out and leave.... plain and simple.
Oh yes and for projects that I'm doing....
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/41657549/
There's one thing I have done .... YAY
What I'm currently working on....
Zombie video and a Zombie Flash.... Zombies used for the flash come from http://www.clovenhand.com/webcomics/unlife-is-unfair With the author's permission of course |
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Follow the wolf.
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| Oh! I forgot to add! |
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| 01:56pm 12/09/2006 |
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I may or may not be credited in a game coming soon! If anyone that reads this journal buys Go Pets for the DS look for a Whitney Orum. That would be me.
Though this is blanted advertiseing go to http://www.gopetslive.com/en/intro/intro.html And if you need a friend you can add me. I'm Nyxia.
It's quite a cute game though I have not been on there in ages. <.< I HAD started off playing this for research Ironically enough. |
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Follow the wolf.
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| Good news! I'm not dead. |
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| 01:16pm 12/09/2006 |
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mood:  weird music: Dresden Dolls!
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I figured out life has a pattern with me, but you can still never take any chances. With me it usually thinks along the lines of, "Hell I'll give you a nice day just this once, but first! I'm going to scare the shit out of you."
And thus it has.
But luckily I have no more Jury duty for another 6 years at least! And I got to see a cheesy lawyer from those mid-afternoon TV commercials. Ed Ryan Woot! Okay... It's not that big of a deal but it still hard not to laugh when you see one in person.
Do you know what being single, heartbroken and bored usually leads to?
That's right! Too many damn projects! So now I have to prioitize...
#1. Make a quick portfolio for me =D So I can hopefully get out of the Pizza business... Do you realize people leave their common sense somewhere far, far away when it comes to food?
I got to on the I need to finalize right now....
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/35346465/
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/38944461/?q=by%3Aspatulagirl+in%3Ascraps+sort%3Atime
And perhaps make two more
#3 A couple of a Furcadian Profiles. yup... simply put.
#2 Do a Flash project for class. I am thinking of making an animated short to figure out this flash since I now have Flash 2004 on my computer and perhaps make it to also put in a portfolio.... hopefully I can twists Jason arm to help me story board and develope a plot... unless some would like to help?
#4 Sprites! I have had this weird long time desire to make a full out sprite sheet of Raziel from the LOK series, because you gotta love a confused vampire that dies ... twice and ends up going back in time .... to kill himself again o.o. But yeah why not! I do think I owe a sprite edit or two to Jason as well. I'm not sure.
#5 Which is the most important to me it to make a site and Graphic novel/Manga Clockwork soul. I've written up some of it now. I need to draw up some pages... and I need to find cheap domain and Server... I figure I can use Flash abit to help me design the site
So yes, Though I refuse to date again, that does not mean I will become a crazy old cat lady... At least not yet. =D |
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2 innocent girls lost - Follow the wolf.
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| Jury duty... ho! |
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| 07:03am 11/09/2006 |
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Well it has been awhile since i have made contact with my journal... rather than go to a random bout of emo fit I will say what has happened to me so far...
1. I found a bone with looked to be a sawed off human femur on the road... the police after my roommate called said it MIGHT be a ham bone.... it was a thick freaking ham bone and they never confirmed it... So.. yeah I got a little freaked out
2. I spilled not one but two jugs of sauce on myself in one week. yay!
3. And now on September 11th I have to go to Jury(is that how it is spelled?) duty this week. I live in New york... I'm going into a government building on September 11th.
I'm not that superstitcious... but this has got to be a bad omen...
I'm Juror #8 yay!
Perhaps I should stay home and risk being arrested? |
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2 innocent girls lost - Follow the wolf.
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| My life... |
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| 09:35am 17/08/2006 |
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mood: gloomy
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I have been neglecting my journal. I have been neglecting it for a damn good reason. That reason is what I will admit today. I should admit this to someone. Mostly no one will read this. And I'm okay..because the important thing it is out there. And people whom I'm in current contact with today will not read this.
So I will not have to hide from them. Turn my head or make an excuse to why I don;t want to show up.
So the main thing people will be asking is what has been up.
I'm dying on the inside. That is what is up. AS emo as this sounds.. it is the simple truth. I have been holding so much shit is only to be beaten with more shit time and time again that I want to die. No I wll not do something as silly as kill myself... but oh...how I desire for everthing to just stop. Perhaps I get a hardon with life deals me shit and I come back with my psychotic smile and say.
"I'm still here, Bitch!"
But lets start from the beginning. I moved to NEw York. With the circumstances involved People would assume I moved there because of him. The idiot I fell in love with.
True he was a big part of it but I moved to create a life.. to start and adventure..To be somthing I can stand. to start college once again and maybe.... just mabe suceed.
I was an idiot and didn't bother to find a job until quite a few months of living there. So Parents obligied to pay off my debt...
GUILT
As I miserably found a job within walking distance at burgerking. I hassled My roommate to be with me. Stupid whore...He didn't want to comment..
He said he did with time...if I gave him a chance to heal.... but I know I FUCKING know. NO one wants this... it's how it;s always been ALWAYS!FUCKING ALWAYS...anyway...He says because I pushed til he finally snapped. NOw he can never love me again.... I do not care what he says.... He never could... They never could.
So he finds someone he's attracted to a jumps to them almost immediatly. Not me never me...
BURN
ANd they being the women of shallow stature and confuzzled mind easy turn the attaction to another new shiny. Yes Jason... they are reallly deep. They really get you you fucking idiot...I smell tie idiocy a mile a way. What's that? There attention is easily claimed else where? OMG surprise!
He is me friend. He has been there for me... and I need a friend... and I am a loyal friend. So I am his friend.
Now lets go elsewhere. I'm on a new place... I have been an only child, my heart is broken. I'm in debt up to my ears, My apartment was a junkyard,My grandmother died,my cat died, I am forced no matter har hard I work to ask my parents for money.
Why is she anti social? Well lets not ask... lets assume the a lazy bitch.
I want a friend...But... I not longer have the skillls to make a new one...
I'm have been sick for over a month...everytime people mention stuff I need to do My nose bleed...I'm missing class beyond my control and I'm afraid they will kick me out.
My hair is falling out
I've gained more weight.
I'm fat I'm ugly I'm vile. I can no longer dress decently.
I hate myself. I fucking hatemself
I wish to god I never fell in love... I wish to god I never will
IT's not so hard. No one has the slightest attraction to me.
NOw I'm more lonely that ever
It feels worse to feel unwanted
I try to make friend I TRY NOW!
I am ignored...
So Now i ask you this....
Don't you think I have the right to want to die?
Don't you think I should killl myself? |
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1 innocent girl lost - Follow the wolf.
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| Am I am Man? |
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| 02:34pm 16/08/2006 |
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mood:  stressed
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Is it so wrong to just want to do something else or roll over and go to sleep rght after sex? I'm done. I got my jollys and made sure the other did. I shared a deep intimate moment... blah blah blah....now I'm done I want to do something else.... like sleep. Or... finish that comic idea I have been hankering to do.
Sex is a great way to eliminate unneeded thought that plague me always. So now I'm done I'm good I'm ready to go...
"No I want to cuddle"
*cringe* Sometimes I really don't want to be touched...sometimes I feel so useless if I don't get what I have been procrastinatiing done NOW.
But they want to cuddle Gah!
I have the vagina but for some reason I end up in bed with another pussy besides my own... in disguise of a cock.
You would really think I would be the perfect woman for a guy but the universe inevitable balances itself out.
Universe: "Fine you want to play the Man? there here is a giant woman with a penis for you." *fwump!*
Well to tell the truth I think I may never be in a relationship again... But that is another story. This one I wanted to mention how the universe doth suicketh. And my jaw hurts.
So am I a Man?
By the way... would someone mind helping me design my livejournal in exchange for something else? |
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Follow the wolf.
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| Time for a change, |
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| 04:43pm 08/11/2005 |
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mood:  content music: unfortunately..... It's Transformers.
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I think I now realize why I have not written in this thing in quite sometime... I have changed.... and in most trnsition you need to start somewhere new... I refuse to delete this journal for the simple fact that this journal has been a huge chunk of my life.... I would like to archive my life.... I think it is important. Through bad or good.
I do hope the few people that red my journal on occasion read this... I would still like the contact and I still would like them to read my journal if they wish.... but yeah... I will start on a clean slate.
Now I'm in http://nyxia.greatestjournal.com/
An no it's not updated as of yet.... now that I have photoshop again... I WILL have my creative fun =D |
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2 innocent girls lost - Follow the wolf.
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| 06:15pm 01/11/2005 |
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mood: crying music: nothing
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It'smy Birthday soon. Loucky me.
There is onething I want for My birthday
I want abosolutely nothing.... No friends. No pain nothing Nothing NOTHING
I'm too old for this shitbut I'm crying... I should know better....So I make a promise...
I will no longer communicate... no touchno contact...
I will onlt live for my one dream.... that is my only goal.
Once this dream is done Then I will go... Where I do not know.
I'm not sure if it;s death but but is won;t be near people.
That is all.
A friend told me I should write down what I think. It will be better for me.
This is what I think. |
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Follow the wolf.
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| Well I suppose I should place it somewhere...... |
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| 11:30am 06/07/2005 |
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mood: distressed
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Well... I can finally write.... Because I'm back visiting my parents for the week. And nothing has changed...They still try to do things for me... Just like Jason Just like everyone fucking else. I'm 23 fucking years old. But Whitney still has to be taken care of... am I reatared... Am i fragile and someone just forgot to mention this to me...
life has been bad...
Everyone has plans that I notice in my livejournal...heheh I don;t talk to them anymore sadly... they have better things to do... I have nothing..
I'm in poverty... I stress about everything... because I may be homeless and I cannot tell my parents. I've gained weight back... I look at myself in the mirror and loath what I see...
but I don't eat that much... even my mother pointed that out... "how come you gain the weight when you hardly eat"
I'm depressed as hell...I'm dreading less with symptoms I have lately that I'm pregnant and more that I may have ovarian cancer... I dunno though..Seeing a doctor when I get home...
I need money so badly it hurts.... I can;t ask for more money with my parents... I WON'T I need a better job...yet no one hires me...
I have NO time for a hobby/business.. to do...
And Jason... haha Jason the "love" of my life...He says we're roommates... I came to New york knowing full welll We're not in a relationship. Yes I wanted one so badly it hurts... He wants a pet I think... He doesn't for my sake/he thinks no one wants him...
Recently he finally said he is In love with me... We loved each other deeply before... he wasn't sure about the"in love" part. But he said this weeksafter I said I'm not sure if I am in love with him anymore... haha sounds like a con...
Even he says I should find someone better....NO ONE WANTS ME!! Trust me..
Though no... I really don't want to leave him anyway... I care for him... we're like a couple of Down low rats helping each other out...It kinda beautiful...besides the nonrelationship part...
But now... right now I wish I never exsisted.
I smile to people when they catch me crying... and they ask what is wrong.... I CANNNOT tell them...Physically I can't... I want to... I can't...
I worry about those around me... I wish to whatever god is out there that they are alright...and good things happen to them....
I don;t even ask god to help me.... I can't even ask him...
I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE...
I want to die....
But I can't even do that....
I won't...
I do get some pleasure out of being rammed in the ass by life and telling the bitch I'm still here...
I'm still here...
And that is all... |
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5 innocent girls lost - Follow the wolf.
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| 11:33am 01/05/2005 |
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mood: cynical music: Silence... people sleep
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you know... I was just about to change my whole design of this journal since.... ya know.... it has been a year since I updated. By the way... happy Anniversery to me for being a lazy Tard!
Anyway... then I thought..... there is really nothing for me to write about... lately I've pushed myself into anti-social person...people ocasssionally invite me places... lately I never go....
The only other shit I have to write about is my own melodramtic shit which even I don;t really want to read. SO if I could write it and hide it... that would be great... probably not a good place for livejournal.
So sadly... maybe I should scrap the whole idea and delete this bitch...Though I do have some nostalgia of my journal. Fuck! I had this for a better part of 5 years! And maybe I could just write down this down as my dream journal.
Or maybe I should make a goal to change my life until it's worthy (in my opinion of course) of being written in a journal. Feh at this point I don't know... I'll give myself a month.... I cannot scrap this journal entirely. |
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Follow the wolf.
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| Fly away! |
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| 05:33pm 30/04/2004 |
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mood: nervous music: Anrgy White Boy Polka
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Oy! I am about to move... and to say the least... I am finally outwardly expression my nervousness.
I've gone days of sleepless nights, stomach aches, slight neausia, and morbid fears of my parents dying from old age. But I've been having a killer art streak from it.
Isn't it sad the more comfortable one is the least creative they are. That's why I am hardly comfortable... In fact the more calm my life is the more nervous I am.. I continually feel like there is something I need to do... always something need to do.. I haven't been in school on over a year, yet I still wake up some mornings thinking "OH Crap! I forgot to do homework." Hell when I had a job, my mind would wake me up as if there is something I need to do for work before I get to work. It take a few seconds for my brain to process that I don't.
And tomorrow I move. Away from my family. Away from my best friend. My mother is my best friend.
I'm moving in an apartment with a friend. We used to be lovers. Now we are friends. I think...I lack a bed to sleep in so.... Yes I'm sleeping with a friend... A friend I loved as a lover. Boy am I scrwed up. Aha!
Though I moved to be with him... there is another...there has always been this reason why I wanted to move. Always wanted to fly away. To pursue my fullfillment. To learn and possibly show the something through my eyes. It's not happiness... I pursue fulfillment.
And I think now I am ready... Finally fucking ready to escape. I have grown I've notice.. but I still wear the same immaturity like a comfortable shirt... but I sense it within me... I am ready...
Dear god let me be right this time. |
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3 innocent girls lost - Follow the wolf.
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| Death should be updated |
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| 10:14am 29/04/2004 |
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mood:  predatory music: Divorce court
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Death should be updated... The skeletal SOB needs to come in some unexpected soul's house with a god damn combine,plucking souls, shredding their heads into a fine grain, then spit out the stalk.
Quaker Soulmeal! Proven to lower cholesterol.
He needs to wear some overalls too... while chewing a soul stalk out of boredom.
And the only games you are allowed to play to bargain for your soul are video games. And that stupid little bitch, Death knows every fight combo known without looking at his damn buttons. Bony fingers can come in handy.
Some may say it's not scary... it's not dark enough... When your last day of life comes and you see a black combine crash into your house while an insidious, redneck laughter echos through the air... I bet you'd be scared shitless... And it's pretty damn dark so there.
Death should have an update!
I got two new pictures updated. |
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1 innocent girl lost - Follow the wolf.
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spatula_girl's journal